Important Things

All I know is that things have happened that I don’t understand and feel like the most important things that have ever happened to me. It was January 29, 2019, three days after my 55th birthday… these four words: “You have breast cancer.” They brought me to my knees. I’ve heard people say that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them, it sounds ridiculous, almost macabre. Before this, I had no idea. How could I? It’s one of those huge life-shifting events, how can you judge, or even know, unless it happens to you? I chose to put my news out on Facebook because between the MRI’s, biopsies, and bad days, I was taking a lot of time off and people were asking what was up. Two weeks after the news hit me, I posted. And got a flood of the kindest responses, in addition to quite a few of “I went through it too, please call anytime.” Not one person had the same experience, but it was good to get the support and camaraderie. My son’s best friend, Julie, a 25-year old Pilates instructor, who I always hoped would be my daughter in law, was diagnosed with a rapid growing b cell lymphoma around the same time I got my diagnosis. She told me she was strangely excited for her journey. I understood. Right after my surgery I got sober, stopped drinking coffee, shifted my already vegetarian diet to be even more strict with food combining and started a daily regimen of early morning meditation, pranayama and self-massage with Ayurvedic oil. I started to see my tendency to overplan my days and began coming home and resting after work and radiation, even napping sometimes, cancelling plans instead of overbooking them. Most importantly, I plainly and simply told my kids and their dad about my new love relationship, something I had been holding back until the right moment. This was the moment. Now is the moment. And it keeps showing up. So do I. I need honesty, I need space, time, I want to get to know myself even better than I ever have, at 55. I’m just beginning. I just finished radiation treatments yesterday and yet, I feel strangely at the beginning again. I know there’s more. I don’t want this to just go away, or, as one friend said, be just a blip on the radar. I want it to continue to be important. A catalyst. I just trust that there’s good coming from this. I feel it. And these days I trust myself to know, I’m just not sure how it’s going to continue to show up, affect me, change my life. But it’s happening and I’m ready.